Winter Solstice & The Dark Night Of The Soul

What you seek is seeking you- Rumi 

I've found it fascinating to witness how people can change their minds, it is one of the most remarkable observations to make.There is no greater joy to me, than watching someone choose the unexpected path, more importantly, to do it at all. There are no words for what i’ve observed in the last few months.This past year has been a journey of observing people explore realities divergent from the norm. Conversations about connecting with spirits, demons, God, and Goddesses have become more prevalent. I opt to respect their perspectives; I'm not in a position to judge. Life has shown its surreal aspects, and I've come to accept this, in fact, I wanted this. I’ve wanted to experience the unexplainable and more importantly, I’ve wanted to share it with others. 

They say “build it and they will come” and I’ve thought about that very much because I believe you need to build it in your mind first, then the pieces start falling together, layer by layer, brick by brick. Some of us tear down our ideas before they are even fully built. Often times, I think there are multiple things being build, but soon become abandoned, either through lack of motivation or lack of support. After years of nurturing certain dreams, one might suddenly realize a crack in their foundation. This moment marks the need for reconstruction, requiring the removal of elements that no longer serve the vision. As the days become darker, my mind has more time to try to look for what isn’t there. Staying in the dark has allowed me to look for what it is I want to see and what i’ve been afraid to see. 

What I like about being showered in darkness, is it’s ability to unveil vulnerability. In its absence of visibility, I lose sight of myself, dissolving into pure consciousness. I know it is best for my personal evolution and true to my character to abandon old beliefs, I feel it is the only way to make great changes, by living authentically to new habits and philosophies. It is the only way to truly know genuine insight, to explore your inner workings of each neuron, maintaining a stoic mind for protection and a curious heart for a magnetic pull. At times, I'm not totally aware of what needs to change; there are subtle hints. I'm convinced that embarking on this journey requires shedding my personal biases and approaching it with an open mind, driven by the genuine intent to embrace the change but also the shock that can happen when you realize the patterns. I’ve used the tools, I studied the lines, I know the realization will come, I must be patient, just as the universe has been patient with my shortcomings. 

On a night like tonight, after spending time in the cold, staring at the peak of the mountain I once thought I conquered, it hits me. I feel a wave move from the inner part of my body and I realize what it is I must let go. Immediately the thought surrenders, immediately I know why everything in life is the way it is. This type of surrendering and accepting is one of the purest forms of love I feel is available and abundant to all, right now, available to me. I try to feel every ounce of it

before it goes, before my human mind makes nothing of it, before I forget. I must let go of my attachment to nihilism, a toxic relationship i’ve secretly held to help me remain strong in times I could find no reason for all the human and personal suffering we seem to keep creating. I had to let go of this belief that was also tied into my strong hope for anarchy being the answer. I was the anarchist to my own life but I had not followed the laws of anarchy itself. I know what it is that I hope and what it is I want to create, but I had denied that I could be the one who can do it. I thought observing was enough, I thought sending my energy and prayers would be enough, I avoided the obvious truth. It cannot become, unless I become it. I could try to convince myself of how pointless it would all seem, but then of course that was the point. If it was pointless, then why not have the courage to do it. No matter what the outcome, no matter if it wasn’t what I saw in my head, the point was to pursue the mystery. Maybe then like most things in life have proven me, it wasn’t pointless, I was just aimless. 

For the first time, I floated in the aimlessness of it all, learning patience on a level I had not known before. It goes against my nature to be aimless, as I usually always have a target. By surrendering everything, that wave seemed to flow through into the universe, and before I knew it, not so instantly, but right on time, it came back. Before its return, I experienced all stages of grief, especially fear. Movement of all kinds has been a blessing in battling fear; move so it misses you; move so it doesn’t know your next step. Then, one day, as the snow began to fall, I knew it was time to head back into the mountain; I knew something was waiting for me there. It rushed into me like a shock wave, seeking no permission, just pure energetic penetration. Then I saw it all and understood it to be a flashback, not the future; I felt it all before. I was reliving it & I came back to do it with honor. 

Every negative thought associated with the things I was about to go towards all connected in an instant. It was a humbling moment to realize how easily my mind can hold me back from the things I needed to feel whole. A more profound grief hits me as I realize this for all humans and then it hits me again. If not for them, for us, then what’s the point? 

I realize the path is always available, begging us to return. Of course, it would; it wasn’t just I who was encountering the dark night; it was humanity. I believe this is precisely where we need to be, and as painful as it is, this is the only way we can learn. I feel a combination of heartbreak and flooding of love at the same time. The aimlessness had become my most significant surrender because I was now watching support from the entire universe flow to me. I refuse to say it was chance; I refuse to say it was a coincidence, it would be an insult to the Source, to the very thing I was trying to re-construct and make sense of… God. 

My aim for the future is synarchy; my word I hold true in my heart is valor, I trusted every mountain calling and I will not take its answers lightly. I remind myself that time is my greatest ally. I did not need to know every step of the path ahead because God, what I know it to be now, is paving the way. I do not need to see how this ends. What I do know is that the universe is rigged in my favor, I accept it, wholeheartedly.